Many parents that I work with tell me that one of their difficult challenges is dealing with their children’s frequent requests for more “stuff.” The bombardment of messages in our culture which emphasize that we deserve to have what we want and indulge ourselves in a variety of ways, is hard to counteract. Current economic times have given rise to new challenges as many parents have decided to say no more often to the requests of their children because of financial pressures. Some children are expressing feelings of deprivation while others are experiencing anxiety over the financial stability of their family.

Living with contentment in a culture used to abundance but currently in a recession is difficult for both adults and children. As we seek to achieve this, it is important to acknowledge and understand that all people are born with a sense of longing and desire. As humans, we tend to adapt to the good things that we get and often eventually end up taking them for granted. Our expectations then rise, and we need more to reach the same level of satisfaction. This can become a never ending cycle of getting and being temporarily satisfied but eventually becoming dissatisfied and desiring more. The challenge is to learn to respect our longings while managing them with restraint and discipline.

I have found that promoting a life of contentment is enhanced when we learn to practice gratitude. An attitude of gratitude does not come naturally to most people but rather has to be taught and cultivated. So how do we do this? One way is to consistently perform good deeds and acts of service. Focusing on the needs of others and taking action to help promotes feelings of gratitude in our own lives. In addition, learning to delay gratification by waiting for something as well as contributing in some way towards obtaining it usually lead to a higher valuing of what we get and more gratitude for it.

Another key way to promote an attitude of gratitude is to discipline ourselves to be intentionally grateful. By that I mean establishing times when we choose to focus on gratitude. In doing so, it is important that we expand our repertoire of what we can be grateful for. While it is easy to focus our gratitude on material possessions or provisions, there are also a multitude of other things to be grateful for such as relationships, beauty in nature, opportunities, experiences, and future hopes. Even being grateful for difficult moments is important to cultivate as these moments can bring wisdom, perspective, and even direction to our lives. Research has indicated that keeping a gratitude journal daily results in an increase in positive emotions and life satisfaction. Other ways to practice gratitude might include setting a goal to acknowledge to ourselves different things we appreciate several times per day as well as making an effort to express appreciation to others. How often do we approach a storeworker and thank them for a task they are doing such as restocking the shelves or cleaning up garbage? Do we make a point to tell a family member something we appreciate about them?

As we learn to take to focus on gratitude, it is often meaningful to share those appreciations with others. One way to structure such sharing is to develop a gratitude ritual at a consistent time each day when we gather with others. One such ritual might be to ask each person present at dinnertime to reflect on their day and share with the group their best and worst moments from their day or, in other words, their most and least appreciated moments. In my family, we call this our “Pow/Wow” time. The pow is our difficult moment or experience of the day and the wow is the best moment. Others have reported calling it the “Happy/Crappy” time. A friend recently shared that in her family they do the “Rose/Thorn/Bud” time. The bud adds to the exercise a focus on something they are looking forward to in the future. Whatever this exercise is called and however it is structured, reflecting and sharing with others our good times as well as the learnings that come in the difficult times, promotes a deepening of our relationships and a deeper sense of gratitude in our lives.

If we discipline ourselves to focus on gratitude consistently, we will soon move past the obvious and will likely need to slow down, observe, and reflect on the abundance of blessings all around us. Wouldn’t it be great if we were filled with gratitude for such things as the smell of good food, the laugh of a child, the beauty of a smile, and the value of a new learning? What better way to combat the longing to have more than to see the abundance in what we already have? Developing an attitude of gratitude is a gift to ourselves and our children that will have a lifelong impact and will never stop blessing our lives. For more assistance with this in the Chicago area, see Dr. Kim Lodewyk at the Hinsdale office of Heritage Professional Associates.

Mental illness is among the most stigmatized conditions in our culture, ranking in surveys as similar to illegal drug use and criminal activity. Negative stereotypes about mental illness persist despite the fact that it is a no-fault condition similar to other medical illnesses. Such stereotypes are reinforced by news reports of sensational crimes. News stories often speculate about a mental illness “angle” when there is none. Of those crimes that are actually associated with mental illness, only a small fraction of individuals with mental illness are involved.

Individuals with mental illness sometimes prefer to be called “consumers” or “consumers of mental health services.” They frequently report that social stigma represents a major obstacle to their recovery. Seeking help with psychiatric symptoms is often complicated by fears of being labeled, judged, and ostracized by others. Studies have demonstrated that a history of mental illness complicates employment and housing issues; potential employers and landlords may be unwilling to consider hiring or leasing to an individual in recovery.

The term “Consumer Recovery” refers to a contemporary sociopolitical movement that emphasizes symptom management and gradual social reintegration. Several factors have been shown to have a positive effect on the consumer recovery process. These include having or creating a strong and dense social network. “Density” in this context refers to the number of interconnections between members of an individual’s social network. Increases in density are associated with a greater ability of network members to respond to a consumer’s needs for support without prompting by the consumer him/herself.

A second important recovery variable is having a sense of empowerment. Empowerment is a broad term that includes feeling positive about oneself and learning to cope effectively with persistent psychiatric symptoms. “Stigma busting,” the act of noticing and rejecting pervasive negative social stereotypes about mental illness, is also viewed as empowering.

Recovery is facilitated by creating and maintaining a secure, low-reactivity, and validating environment among family members and friends. Individuals in recovery also report benefiting from compassionate therapists and psychiatrists, group therapy with fellow consumers, faith in a higher power, and opportunities to do meaningful work in supportive settings.

Certain myths about mental illness have persisted for centuries. These include the notion that the prognosis for mental illness is a deteriorating course, one that can only be managed by institutional care. Thus in the past many psychiatric patients languished for years in the “back wards” of state and private facilities. While hospitalization may be crucial at times, modern psychiatric care emphasizes symptom management, re-integration into the community, and ongoing support from the mental health system and the individual’s social network.

Picture this: a father was watching his kids play outside soon after they moved to their first home. Much to his consternation, it was as if several times within a span of an hour, some event happened in which he felt he must intervene. He would hurry out to the yard to attempt to resolve some disagreement among the kids or somehow try to rectify the situation. Sometimes, particularly on weekends, the father would intervene several times in the spirit of diplomacy.

Eventually, his wife gently noted that during all of the time this father was away from home (which was fairly significant since he worked full time), none of the kids had gotten killed, maimed, lost an eye, or suffered any serious injuries. In fact, she explained that the kids had generally really enjoyed playing outside and were doing well at meeting new friends and getting along with them. The father realized he was overparenting. He soon saw that within the context of neighborhood child politics, his interventions were unnecessary. Although there were times of dispute and conflict in their peer relationships, his children were developing a valuable understanding of how to handle these issues pretty much by themselves.

There are many instances in a parent’s life when the question of whether to comment or intervene arises. Unfortunately, when a parent often worries unnecessarily and takes part in overparenting, it is a rather serious issue. Overparenting is typically carried out repeatedly and it has predictable, negative effects on kids. Firstly, this type of parental behavior generally elicits anger from kids. In other words, Anxious Parent (often) = Angry Child. Nervous parents who keep verbalizing their worries about their children to their children will undoubtedly irritate their kids. While verbalizing a concern is sometimes needed, one should keep in mind whether or not it is a safety issue.

Really, it is the repetitive, pointless expression of worries that annoys kids. Furthermore, this parental behavior ultimately insults the child because one is sending the message “I must worry about you because you can’t do this on your own. You’re not able to do much without me watching over you.” These excessive interventions ultimately weaken a kid’s self-confidence. When a child is consistently listening to his parent’s thoughts about all of the things he can’t handle, he is likely to not have faith in his own abilities.

Overparenting is the reverse of one of a parent’s most important tasks: cultivating self-esteem by supporting independence and autonomy in your child. There are a few questions to ask yourself the next time you go to warn or discipline your child:

▪ Can she handle this by herself?

▪ In this instance, would it be better for her to learn about this directly, on her own?

▪ Is this really important enough for me to intervene?

It helps to remember that a healthy goal in parenting is helping your kids to handle more and more on their own as they mature. It may take some restraint on your part, but in holding back from overparenting you are truly bolstering a child’s faith in himself and preparing him for his future. If you live in the Chicago area and you are struggling with overparenting, other parenting issues or child behavior problems, contact Amy Hansen, MSW, LSW of Heritage Professional Associates.  Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.

(source: 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D.)

As we consider entering psychotherapy, we may have many seemingly contradictory feelings: feelings of bravery and desperation, courage and hopelessness. Many of us enter therapy when we feel stuck. We feel as if we are endlessly spinning our wheels, and we are grasping for a solution. Embarking on a therapeutic journey may feel like walking into unknown territory, or like visiting places we are not so sure we want to visit.

For many of us, these feelings lead to thoughts about the meaning of life. We ask fundamentally existential and spiritual questions like, “What’s the point of it all?”, “Why am I here?”, and “What is the purpose of my life?” At first, merely asking these questions can make us feel depressed, lonely, and anxious. But if we can struggle through the initial resistance, great benefits can be derived.

Part of our journey may mean exploring our relationship with God. We may experience God in nature, through art, or in our relationships with friends and family. Some may feel God’s presence as withholding, punitive, or even suffocating, while some may not feel God’s presence at all. Others may experience God as forgiving, comforting, and loving. Tending to this often tumultuous and scary relationship can often help bring about compassion toward those around us and toward ourselves.

A truly thoughtful, reflective consideration of spirituality can ultimately lead to substantial healing and growth. When we include spirituality in the therapy process, we include our emotions, intellect, and physical bodies, and we also remember that we are a part of something much greater than ourselves. Many of us are surprised that it is often through this much larger, more universal lens that the greatest soothing and healing of the self occurs.

For more assistance with exploring spirituality through psychotherapy, in the Chicago area, see Allyson Wolcott at either the Hinsdale or Wheaton office of Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom oyu trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional who is well versed in the areas of psychotherapy as well as spirituality.

Depression and anxiety are notorious for their ability to activate resistance and hinder  progress towards  goals like being social, planning activities, exercising, and working. It is around  taking the first step where  resistance is  the strongest.  People often report: “Once I got to work or once I started walking or once I arrived at the party…it was not as bad as I thought it would be”.  Resistance often presents itself as an inner voice which uses a combination of doubt, pessimism, judgment, cajoling,exaggeration, defeatism, dramatization, fear, or procrastination to keep you immobile, hesitant, paralyzed, shut down and too fearful or demoralized to act. There is value in understanding your resistance  and Dr.Carioti’s blog entitled, “To Change is to Live the Life of a Trapeze Artist….” explores some of the reasons resistance to change can be present.  Sooner or later, you may have to find a way  through the resistance and get moving.

Here are a couple of strategies  to outsmart your resistance.  The first is to invoke the statement, “something is better than nothing and more is better than less.”  Let this be a mantra you repeat in a supportive way to yourself.  The first goal is to get to “something”. It’s important to define “something” as the first modest step towards a larger goal.  For example if it’s exercise you are choosing to start, the “something” might be getting to the track and then walking around it once .  This  tends to work because the “something” seems small and is therefore likely to invoke little resistance.  In fact, your cunning resistance may even use this to promote its agenda and try to tell  you that your “something”  really does not amount to anything.  It is important to counter with an attitude that favors doing it anyway.  After getting to  “something” it is important to acknowledge that you just did the good and necessary work of starting to move towards your desired goal.   At that point the second part of the phrase can be invoked and whatever else is added will be more which is better than less.  Again, to add a little more leaves you with an accomplishment and leaves less for the resistance to engage with. If you have a lot of resistance to exercise you have a better chance of running a mile starting with the walk around the track and then adding to it, rather than starting with the larger goal.

A variation on this strategy is to   negotiate with yourself to start an activity and continue it  to a limited degree.  You then promise yourself that if it’s as difficult at that point as you anticipated, you will allow yourself to stop. For example, if your goal is to be more social but you  encounter a lot of resistance to your plan to attend a business reception, you would negotiate with yourself and say: “I will go to the reception and stay 20 minutes.  If after 20 minutes, I am really uncomfortable, I will give myself permission to leave. Furthermore, if I choose to leave I will not consider it a failure.  Rather, I will compliment myself for the 20 minutes I was there.”   Doing this you have a greater chance of pushing through the resistance that was telling you not to go at all.  Once you have been there for 20 minutes the odds are much greater you will decide to stay longer.  Over time, if you employ either of these  strategies, you will accomplish more than if you start out expecting  yourself to achieve the whole goal.  All the best to you as you work to become more clever than your resistance.  If you want practical coaching and support to get yourself going on self care and you live in the Chicago area, please contact Thomas Schemper of Heritage Professional Associates, who has office hours in downtown Chicago and in Hinsdale. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.

PS The above strategies also work well with children who’s first response is to be oppositional.

Lower elementary age children tend to experience a greater level of denial associated with death.  They may see death as possible but most likely they will try and imagine life the way it was before their loss.  It is also very common for children to have extreme swings in their mood. They may go from having a great time, playing and laughing to symptoms of crying and anger.  Some children may also experience an increase in acting out behaviors, both at school and at home.  Often children experience an increase need to be with their parent, fearing that they may lose them if they are not with them.  It is not uncommon for school anxiety to develop and for the child to avoid independent activities.  Other common symptoms include crying, headaches, stomach aches, anger towards the person who died, and hostile feelings towards others, difficulty sleeping and change in appetite.

As children reach upper elementary school, typically fourth and fifth grade, they are more able to grasp that death is final.  They may be very curious about the details of what caused the death and  request explanations about what happened. It is important to validate their feelings and take time to listen and answer their questions. It is also common that they swing from enjoying life one minute to feeling fearful and anxious the next.  Their sense of security may seem threatened and they need to be reassured that they are loved and safe.
Parents are most likely dealing with their own grieving feelings along with supporting their child which can feel extremely overwhelming.  It is helpful for children to understand and see their parents grieving.  It can also be helpful for your child if you communicate your own feelings of sadness and anger.  It is a good idea to encourage them to talk about how they are feeling and provide them with a journal to draw in or write about their feelings.  Let them talk and ask questions, being careful not to assume how the death is affecting them.  In many cases, children seem to be more willing than adults to want to talk and ask questions about the loss they are dealing with.
If your family is experiencing a loss and you are worried about your child’s reaction, it may be helpful to talk to someone about it. If you are in the Chicago area contact Allison Voss, LCSW  of Heritage Professional Associates.  Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
* Some Information adapted from “Guiding Your Child Through Grief”, Emswiler

Often, an argument begins with an accusation: one person becomes angry and makes an accusation and the other person becomes defensive.  Rather than becoming defensive, if the accused person can remain calm and acknowledge even a grain of truth in the accusation, it makes it very difficult for the accusing person to stay angry.  After this, a disagreement is more likely to proceed as a discussion rather than an argument.

Another communication technique that is effective in resolving conflict is that of empathy.  Empathy basically involves putting yourself in another person’s shoes and verbally acknowledging what they may be thinking and feeling.  For example, if a husband returns home from work much later than planned and can see that his wife is visibly upset, rather than becoming defensive and explaining why he had to stay late, the husband could acknowledge his wife’s feelings by stating, “Seems like you’re pretty upset and really worried about where I was.”  Empathy is essential in resolving conflict.

It is also essential to ask gentle questions about what the other person is thinking and feeling.  You can do your best to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, but until you gently encourage them to express what they are thinking and feeling, you’ll never know exactly what is making them feel upset.  Like empathy, seeking to understand another person’s position is essential in resolving conflict.

When in conflict, rather than accusing someone of an action or a motivation, it is important to use “I” statements and take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings.  For example, rather than saying, “You’ve really ticked me off,” a person could say, “I feel really upset.”  In this way of communicating, the person who is upset is taking responsibility for their feelings and is less likely to make the other person feel accused and defensive.

Finally, when in conflict, it is easy to focus on the negative aspects of the other person.  However, if you can find a couple genuinely positive things to say about the other person, this can be essential in calming the other person and working to resolve the conflict.  If you’ve tried everything, but can’t seem to resolve the conflict, in the Chicago area see Dr. Jenny Dyson of Heritage Professional Associates.  Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
*Some information taken from “The Feeling Good Handbook” written by Burns (1999)

One of the most frequently asked questions in my work as a psychologist is, “How do I change that?”.  The client and I have usually identified some automatic thought or behavior pattern that is getting in the way of a more effective life or healthier relationships.  After the “Ah hah!” of the awareness comes the doubt and anxiety about the possibility of changing something that has been a part of the person’s life for years, maybe decades.  We discuss the desired outcome, the steps to be taken to achieve it, the things that are likely to help or hinder reaching the goal, and then the person begins to take small but manageable steps along that path.

But deep down, under all the logical, rational planning, is the fear of letting go of old, familiar patterns.  Yes, these patterns have caused distress; yes, there is truly a conscious desire to move beyond the source of difficulty; yes, there is a longing to be free.  And no, it doesn’t make rational sense to want to hold on to the cause trouble.  But change is hard work, a risk.  And there is great pull toward maintaining the status quo, hanging on to what is known, even if it is not very effective.

Change is hard work.  Have you ever tried to change your golf or tennis swing, your swimming stroke, the way you walk?  You’ve noticed that it takes repeated practice, over and over again, to make the smallest correction.  Your brain is working hard, trying to change one pattern of firing neurons and develop a different chain reaction.  The old pattern has, as it were, carved its own rut, and doesn’t easily surrender to a new pathway.  To create that new pathway, you have to send those neurons firing in a different direction, over and over again.  That’s hard work.

Change is a risk.  As bad as the current situation may be, it is known to you, it is predictable, it is expected by those who know you.  They have figured out a predictable way of reacting to you and you have a predictable way of responding to them.  To change is to turn everything topsy-turvy inside you and around you.  How do you know you will like the results?  How do you know it will be worth the emotional cost and the mental effort?  How do you know how others will view your change?  How do you accomplish this change at all?

You become a trapeze artist.  You stand in your current space, grabbing hold of the bar (what is known).  With the hope of something new and better, and a plan for reaching your goal, you propel yourself out into space, swinging away from what is known.  If you are ever to feel true freedom, you have to risk letting go of the bar, allowing yourself to be suspended in space, unsupported for a time (trying new strategies).  And then, with relief and excitement, you find yourself able to grab onto the new bar, perhaps surprised that you have made it (accomplished the change). Before long, you are on your new perch, far way from where you started.  You become aware of the reward of letting go and trying new things, and you find that the process of change is worth the anxiety it causes, the work it requires, and the risk it takes.

If you’ve tried changing but find the process too difficult, and you live in the Chicago area, consider seeing Dr. Debra Carioti of Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health care provider.

by Christopher Mazzarella PsyD of Heritage Professional Associates

The internet revolution has radically changed the way teens interact with their peers and their world. This has left many parents to wonder whether their child’s computer activities are healthy or a cause for real concern. This is understandable given the dramatic change in teen culture over the past 15 years. The developmental tasks of establishing autonomy, finding identity, and negotiating peer relationships are played out on Facebook, AOL Instant Message, and World of Warcraft (WOW). For teens, the computer provides a portal to new worlds, endless opportunities to research facts, and a less threatening way to connect to peers. It can also promote risky behavior, avoidance of responsibilities, and addiction. Parents often find themselves powerless to manage their teen’s internet and gaming activities. So when should parents become concerned about their child’s internet and computer activities?

Your child may have an unhealthy relationship to the internet or computer if he/she displays the following:

• Excessive or compulsive use of computer and video games that interfere with everyday life. For example, if your child prioritizes computer time at the expense of completing homework, chores, or attending a place of worship.

• Isolation from other forms of social contact. If your child opts for unrestricted computer time rather than hanging out with friends on the weekends.

• Focusing almost exclusively on in-game achievements rather than broader life events. Children who talk more about online friends or “levels” they have achieved rather than upcoming social gatherings or current events may have a computer/video game addiction.

More important than identifying whether your child shows signs of an unhealthy relationship with the internet or computer, understanding the function of your child’s behavior provides you needed direction to meet his/her needs in a healthy and growth-promoting way. Teens are often driven by needs for involvement, independence, fairness, and competence. While most teens accomplish these needs by the end of adolescence, they often need a parent, mentor or qualified mental health professional to provide support along the way. If teens are not meeting these needs in the “real world” and spend more time on the computer than engaged in “live” social activities, they are likely fostering an unhealthy relationship to the internet or video games.

For assistance in the Chicago area, see Dr. Mazzarella in either our Hinsdale or Wheaton office, or visit us at Heritage Professional Associates for more information. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.

Categories: Mental Health

Tagged: Internet, computer, video game, addiction, teen, adolescent

by Dr. Jacqueline LeSaily of Heritage Professional Associates

A problem for many women in our culture is their difficulty expressing anger in relationships. This is not an inherent deficiency on the part of women. Rather, there are physical and psychological reasons why women are less likely to express anger directly. Physical reasons are obvious; fear of physical violence in response to the expression of anger is a reality in our society.  One need only take in the daily news from TV, the internet or even People Magazine to see numerous accounts of physical abuse in intimate relationships.

Psychological reasons that contribute to women having difficulty expressing anger relate to the internalization of what constitutes the “good woman.” Women who do a healthy job of expressing their anger and asserting their power, are often labeled with anything from bossy, to the b$%#@ word.  Society portrays women’s anger in a number of unhealthy stereotypes. Such typical portrayals include the ungrateful, bitter, housewife, the man-hater, or the hysterical and resentful lover. There are very few portrayals of rational women whose anger is just and warranted. In this way, feminine anger is virtually always viewed as pathological and inappropriate and consequently dismissed. One of the few instances in which a woman’s anger is acceptable is when it is in the service of protecting someone else. Because women internalize these messages, they come to believe themselves crazy and irrational if anger is expressed only on behalf of themselves and not out of protection for someone else.

Women and men alike, also have difficulty distinguishing the emotion of anger from the behavioral act of aggression. Because of this, women are likely to feel destructive when expressing anger in relationships. Moreover, for women, anger can be experienced as disconnecting and alienating. These two feeling states are in direct contract to women’s relational psyche.

The expression of anger is healthy. It is an emotion that alerts an individual to the fact that something is wrong or in need of changing. As such, everyone should experience a certain amount of anger at times. However, the healthy expression of anger is not encouraged in women, which leaves them vulnerable to various emotional problems.  Often times the suppression of anger contributes to low self-esteem and depression.

In a wonderful book entitled Women’s Growth in Connection: Writings from the Stone Center, Jean Baker-Miller provides a very useful conceptualization of women’s anger. In her conceptualization, anger is viewed as a spiraling event.  She states women often hold a certain amount of anger because of their experience as an oppressed gender. She further states that women are not culturally encouraged to express this anger. As such, the anger often remains trapped in female psyches or can be expressed in unintentional ways.

According to Miller, anger is usually suppressed (consciously pushed down inside). However, there are times when women are able to become in touch with these suppressed feelings. During these times it is likely that women will find themselves ineffectual for not taking action to change the things that they perceive make them angry. This in turn creates more anger. This cycle is posited to continue to build until women finally express it. Because it has been building for so long, the actual expression of anger can be way out of proportion to the current event. This tend to elicit feedback from others that women are crazy, overly emotional, hysterical, crabby, bitter and/or out of control. Since women have internalized that anger is unacceptable, such feedback from the environment only serves to further reinforce feelings of inadequacy for expressing anger in the first place. Consequently, women often begin emphatically apologizing, truly feelings themselves to be wrong. Unfortunately, the underlying reasons for the anger are never addressed, and the cycle will start again.

For assistance in overcoming depression and in the healthy assertion of feminine power, anger and self determination, contact Dr. Jacqueline LeSaily or one of our other qualified mental health practitioners in the Chicago area. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health provider.